The Fundamentals of Marriage
The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving
When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other'.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
Forget
When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance
Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter 103).
Flexible
Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship
This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Friendly
Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.
Friends
The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun
Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
Faithful
It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair
Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
Finance
One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
Family
Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .
Feelings
Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?
Freedom
Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation
A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
Frank
Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
Facilitator
When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.
Flattering
Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
Fulfilling
To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible
It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness
So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
Future
Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Marriage Preparation
Marriage Preparation
from Before the Wedding - 150 Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married by M. L. Ezzeldine
In Islam, marriage preparation is multi-dimensional. The first step in the marriage preparation process is that a person does some introspection to see if they are really ready for marriage. This would include determining your values and beliefs and what type of spouse you will make. It is advisable to make istikhara prayers, a prayer for guidance. Istikhara is where one asks Allah to guide them to the best choice possible in any matter including when seeking a spouse. Building a personal relationship with Allah is vital to being a good spouse as it will purify your intentions and help you clearly analyze the reasons for wanting to marry a particular person.
When selecting a spouse, everyone has certain qualities they are looking for. It is reported in a hadith (tradition of Prophet Muhammad) that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, "A woman is to be married for four reasons; for her property, status, beauty or religion; so try to marry the one who is religious" (Muslim). Of course, this hadith relates to what women should look for in men as well.
Additionally, any two people seeking to get married should have a wali (guardian) involved in the process who will oversee and guide the couple. The wali are usually the parents of the couple. Muslims who have non-Muslim parents, should still consult their parents and involve them in the "courting process". However, if the non-Muslim parents are unreceptive to Islam, it is suggested that the person ask their Imam (religious leader) to take on the position of guardian.
Respect for parents is paramount in Islam and taking note of their advice when selecting a spouse is essential. Marriage is the union of more than just two individuals; it is bringing together two families, and thus the process should include both families............Additionally, a couple should never be completely alone with one another before marriage because this would be khulwa. Khulwa is when a single man and single woman are alone together where no one can see them, thereby tempting them to commit fornication. A couple should always act with respect and mmodesty toward one another.
Finally, it is suggested that the couple find a mediator who can act as mentor to the young couple and open their eyes to the reality of marriage. A knowledgeable person trusted by both parties is an asset to a couple before the wedding, since he /she could be consulted should any problems arise after they are married.
from Before the Wedding - 150 Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married by M. L. Ezzeldine
In Islam, marriage preparation is multi-dimensional. The first step in the marriage preparation process is that a person does some introspection to see if they are really ready for marriage. This would include determining your values and beliefs and what type of spouse you will make. It is advisable to make istikhara prayers, a prayer for guidance. Istikhara is where one asks Allah to guide them to the best choice possible in any matter including when seeking a spouse. Building a personal relationship with Allah is vital to being a good spouse as it will purify your intentions and help you clearly analyze the reasons for wanting to marry a particular person.
When selecting a spouse, everyone has certain qualities they are looking for. It is reported in a hadith (tradition of Prophet Muhammad) that the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, "A woman is to be married for four reasons; for her property, status, beauty or religion; so try to marry the one who is religious" (Muslim). Of course, this hadith relates to what women should look for in men as well.
Additionally, any two people seeking to get married should have a wali (guardian) involved in the process who will oversee and guide the couple. The wali are usually the parents of the couple. Muslims who have non-Muslim parents, should still consult their parents and involve them in the "courting process". However, if the non-Muslim parents are unreceptive to Islam, it is suggested that the person ask their Imam (religious leader) to take on the position of guardian.
Respect for parents is paramount in Islam and taking note of their advice when selecting a spouse is essential. Marriage is the union of more than just two individuals; it is bringing together two families, and thus the process should include both families............Additionally, a couple should never be completely alone with one another before marriage because this would be khulwa. Khulwa is when a single man and single woman are alone together where no one can see them, thereby tempting them to commit fornication. A couple should always act with respect and mmodesty toward one another.
Finally, it is suggested that the couple find a mediator who can act as mentor to the young couple and open their eyes to the reality of marriage. A knowledgeable person trusted by both parties is an asset to a couple before the wedding, since he /she could be consulted should any problems arise after they are married.
Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners
Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners
by
Miss Syed
In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married three or four times, their children suffering again and again through the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the following is generally equally applicable to both men and women).
1. Du'a. Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High, in the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.
2. Consult your heart. Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar' which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost anything. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.
3. Enquire. Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience (greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.
4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage. Just ' seeing' someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's conditions, where two per- sons of totally dissimilar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.
5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you. Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts.
by
Miss Syed
In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married three or four times, their children suffering again and again through the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the following is generally equally applicable to both men and women).
1. Du'a. Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High, in the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.
2. Consult your heart. Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar' which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost anything. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.
3. Enquire. Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience (greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.
4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage. Just ' seeing' someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's conditions, where two per- sons of totally dissimilar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.
5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you. Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts.
When the Wife is Unhappy With the Husband
When the Wife is Unhappy With the Husband
By: Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qur'an 4:34 (Surah Nisa, ayah 4) gives some guidance as to how to deal with marriage difficulties when husbands feel that their wives are being deliberately nasty to them. The Holy Qur'an also gives guidance for cases when it is the wife who thinks that she is being mistreated and feels unhappy about it.
In this connection it must, first of all, be clearly understood by all Muslims that the Holy Qur'an unequivocally prohibits keeping women in wedlock against their will. In Surah al-Baqarah, verse 231, it is said:
"And do not retain them (i.e. women) in wedlock against their will in order to hurt them. He who does such a thing indeed sins against himself. And do not take the signs of God lightly..."
And in Surah an-Nisa verse 19 we read:
"O YOU who have attained to faith! It is not lawful for you to [try to] become heirs of your wives [by holding onto them] against their will."
These verses appear in some particular contexts but they clearly contain the principle (also found in Hadith) that women can be brought into the marriage relationship and kept in that relationship only if they want to do so.
In some cultures, including parts of the Muslim world, women are sometimes beaten by their relatives into marrying men of the relatives' own choice or beaten to stay in the marriage bond. Those who do that commit a sin and unless forgiven by the women concerned will be punished by hell-fire in the hereafter.
It is true, as we have seen in another article, that husbands can lightly beat their wives when they show prolonged and deliberately nasty behaviour but such beating can be done only when the intention to stay in the marriage bond is intact on the part of both the husband and the wife. The moment the wife makes up her mind that she does not wish to remain in the marriage bond and she clearly expresses this decision on her part, the husband ceases to have any justification in the sight of God to beat her.
It is not only by physical force that women are sometimes kept in marriage against their will. More often it is social or economic pressures that are used, consciously or unconsciously, to keep them tied in the unwanted relationship. In Surah an-Nisa' the Book of God combats such social and economic pressures:
"If a woman fears ill-treatment (mushuz) or indifference (i'radh) from her husband, it is not wrong if (at her initiative) the two set things peacefully to right between themselves; for, peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human souls. But if you do good and are conscious of Him, behold, God is aware of all that you do... If the two break up, God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise." (4:128-130)
In many cultures, including the Muslim culture, it is considered taboo on the part of a woman, especially if she is of "noble" (sharif) descent, to express unhappiness with marriage and to try to do something about it (except in cases of extreme cruelty on the part of the husband). This type of attitude is part of the social pressure which is used to keep women suppressed. The Qur'an says that if a woman feels that her husband is too indifferent to her, i.e. does not give enough love to her or mistreats her and she is therefore unhappy, there is nothing wrong if she initiates steps to change the situation.
It should be noted that whenever the Qur'an says "there is nothing wrong" or "it is not wrong" (la junaha), it means to fight certain social taboos and established psychological attitudes. In the above passage it is fighting the attitude which expects women to continue in the marriage bond as the husbands keep them regardless of whether the wife is reasonably happy or not.
The first step that a woman should take to change her marriage situation, if she is unhappy with it, is, of course, to "talk it out" with her husband. This may lead to one of two things: a greater understanding between the two resulting in a satisfactory change in the husband's attitude or a mutual decision to dissolve the marriage bond (with the wife possibly returning par of the dowry (2:229)). Such peaceful settling of matters is beautifully encouraged in the words
"peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human soul. But if you do good and are conscious of God, behold, God is aware of all that you do."
Selfishness is accepted here as an inevitable condition of the human soul, so we are not expected to altogether get rid of it. What we are expected to do is to balance our selfishness with God consciousness and consideration for others. This means that we should pursue our self-interests within the limits set by God for our own good and also do something for others instead of being all the time concerned with ourselves.
It is in such a spirit that the husband and wife should discuss their marriage difficulties. Both have the right to expect happiness from the marriage relationship but each of them should seek happiness with consciousness of God and some concern for the happiness of the other partner in marriage. If the husband is not inclined to discuss things in this spirit and continues to mistreat the wife, then the wife can go to an Islamic court which must then impose a settlement on the husband on just terms. This is because it is the duty of Islamic courts to enforce the law of God and deal with all forms of zulm (injustice).
The Holy Qur'an wishes to make it socially acceptable for a wife to seek a change in her marriage situation if she feels that her husband mistreats her or is indifferent to her. But social acceptability alone is not enough; for, as noted earlier, tied with social taboos are economic considerations that often pressure the woman to accept her unhappy marriage situation. The Qur'an says that this should not be the case. It reminds all the concerned persons - the wife, the husband and relatives that:
"God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise" (4:130)
If all attempts on the part of the wife to establish a reasonably happy and dignified relationship with her husband fail and breakup of the marriage is the only option, then this option should not be rejected only for economic reasons. Let the wife and her relatives trust in God who is the real provider of all. Marriage should be viewed primarily as a love relationship (30:21) and not as an economic relationship.
The reminder that God is the provider of all is also meant for the husband. It tells him that he should not be too stingily and try to get back every penny that he might have spent on the wife but rather settle on equitable, if not generous, terms. God, who provided him all that he spent on his wife, may provide him yet more out of His infinite abundance.
It is instructive to note a couple of differences between the passage considered above and verse 34 of the same Surah an-Nisa' dealing with the case when it is the husband who is unhappy with the wife. In the latter case it is simply said: "If you (i.e. husbands) part" whereas in the above passage it is said "If a woman fears nushuz or i'radh on her husbands part." The addition of i'radh meaning turning away or becoming indifferent in case of a husband and its omission in the case of a wife is significant. This is a recognition that in love and sex relationship man's role is a more active one in the sense that he is the one who makes most of the first moves and therefore as a rule he alone can do i'radh: she can, as a rule, only refuse to respond (which if done willfully and too often would come under nushuz and would be dealt with as such).
Another difference between the two cases is that when the husband fears nushuz on the part of the wife he can, after due admonition and talking, separate the wife in bed and then lightly beat her while such measures are not suggested to the wife if she is the one who fears nushuz or i'drah from the husband. This is, of course, not because the Qur'an sees anything wrong in principle with the wife separating herself in bed from the ill-treating husband or even beating him. The reason rather is that the Qur'an recognizes the well-observed fact that as a rule women are physically weaker than men and therefore it would be difficult for her to implement such measures against the husband. Unlike the sentimental feminists, the Qur'an is wise enough and realistic enough to first admit that in general women are indeed physically weaker than men and then to realize that it would be totally unhelpful to ask a weaker partner to use forceful methods against a stronger one, especially if that stronger partner is already mistreating her.
But this does not mean that Islam leaves women at the mercy of their husbands. If despite being a Muslim a husband fails to respect the principles outlined in the Qur'an and instead of peacefully settling matters with the wife shows neither the inclination to treat her as a husband should treat a wife nor lets her go in a maruf (just and public) way, then it is the collective duty of the Muslim society to step in and, through a suitable legal system, enforce the law of God by imposing a settlement on the husband on terms judged equitable by an impartial court. It is regrettable that Muslim societies have not yet evolved such a suitable legal system to give women adequate protection against their stronger marriage partners should these stronger partners abandon love and tenderness and turn nasty.
Copyright Dr. Ahmad Shafaat. This article may be reproduced for da'wa purpose with proper courtesy and credit.
By: Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qur'an 4:34 (Surah Nisa, ayah 4) gives some guidance as to how to deal with marriage difficulties when husbands feel that their wives are being deliberately nasty to them. The Holy Qur'an also gives guidance for cases when it is the wife who thinks that she is being mistreated and feels unhappy about it.
In this connection it must, first of all, be clearly understood by all Muslims that the Holy Qur'an unequivocally prohibits keeping women in wedlock against their will. In Surah al-Baqarah, verse 231, it is said:
"And do not retain them (i.e. women) in wedlock against their will in order to hurt them. He who does such a thing indeed sins against himself. And do not take the signs of God lightly..."
And in Surah an-Nisa verse 19 we read:
"O YOU who have attained to faith! It is not lawful for you to [try to] become heirs of your wives [by holding onto them] against their will."
These verses appear in some particular contexts but they clearly contain the principle (also found in Hadith) that women can be brought into the marriage relationship and kept in that relationship only if they want to do so.
In some cultures, including parts of the Muslim world, women are sometimes beaten by their relatives into marrying men of the relatives' own choice or beaten to stay in the marriage bond. Those who do that commit a sin and unless forgiven by the women concerned will be punished by hell-fire in the hereafter.
It is true, as we have seen in another article, that husbands can lightly beat their wives when they show prolonged and deliberately nasty behaviour but such beating can be done only when the intention to stay in the marriage bond is intact on the part of both the husband and the wife. The moment the wife makes up her mind that she does not wish to remain in the marriage bond and she clearly expresses this decision on her part, the husband ceases to have any justification in the sight of God to beat her.
It is not only by physical force that women are sometimes kept in marriage against their will. More often it is social or economic pressures that are used, consciously or unconsciously, to keep them tied in the unwanted relationship. In Surah an-Nisa' the Book of God combats such social and economic pressures:
"If a woman fears ill-treatment (mushuz) or indifference (i'radh) from her husband, it is not wrong if (at her initiative) the two set things peacefully to right between themselves; for, peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human souls. But if you do good and are conscious of Him, behold, God is aware of all that you do... If the two break up, God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise." (4:128-130)
In many cultures, including the Muslim culture, it is considered taboo on the part of a woman, especially if she is of "noble" (sharif) descent, to express unhappiness with marriage and to try to do something about it (except in cases of extreme cruelty on the part of the husband). This type of attitude is part of the social pressure which is used to keep women suppressed. The Qur'an says that if a woman feels that her husband is too indifferent to her, i.e. does not give enough love to her or mistreats her and she is therefore unhappy, there is nothing wrong if she initiates steps to change the situation.
It should be noted that whenever the Qur'an says "there is nothing wrong" or "it is not wrong" (la junaha), it means to fight certain social taboos and established psychological attitudes. In the above passage it is fighting the attitude which expects women to continue in the marriage bond as the husbands keep them regardless of whether the wife is reasonably happy or not.
The first step that a woman should take to change her marriage situation, if she is unhappy with it, is, of course, to "talk it out" with her husband. This may lead to one of two things: a greater understanding between the two resulting in a satisfactory change in the husband's attitude or a mutual decision to dissolve the marriage bond (with the wife possibly returning par of the dowry (2:229)). Such peaceful settling of matters is beautifully encouraged in the words
"peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human soul. But if you do good and are conscious of God, behold, God is aware of all that you do."
Selfishness is accepted here as an inevitable condition of the human soul, so we are not expected to altogether get rid of it. What we are expected to do is to balance our selfishness with God consciousness and consideration for others. This means that we should pursue our self-interests within the limits set by God for our own good and also do something for others instead of being all the time concerned with ourselves.
It is in such a spirit that the husband and wife should discuss their marriage difficulties. Both have the right to expect happiness from the marriage relationship but each of them should seek happiness with consciousness of God and some concern for the happiness of the other partner in marriage. If the husband is not inclined to discuss things in this spirit and continues to mistreat the wife, then the wife can go to an Islamic court which must then impose a settlement on the husband on just terms. This is because it is the duty of Islamic courts to enforce the law of God and deal with all forms of zulm (injustice).
The Holy Qur'an wishes to make it socially acceptable for a wife to seek a change in her marriage situation if she feels that her husband mistreats her or is indifferent to her. But social acceptability alone is not enough; for, as noted earlier, tied with social taboos are economic considerations that often pressure the woman to accept her unhappy marriage situation. The Qur'an says that this should not be the case. It reminds all the concerned persons - the wife, the husband and relatives that:
"God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise" (4:130)
If all attempts on the part of the wife to establish a reasonably happy and dignified relationship with her husband fail and breakup of the marriage is the only option, then this option should not be rejected only for economic reasons. Let the wife and her relatives trust in God who is the real provider of all. Marriage should be viewed primarily as a love relationship (30:21) and not as an economic relationship.
The reminder that God is the provider of all is also meant for the husband. It tells him that he should not be too stingily and try to get back every penny that he might have spent on the wife but rather settle on equitable, if not generous, terms. God, who provided him all that he spent on his wife, may provide him yet more out of His infinite abundance.
It is instructive to note a couple of differences between the passage considered above and verse 34 of the same Surah an-Nisa' dealing with the case when it is the husband who is unhappy with the wife. In the latter case it is simply said: "If you (i.e. husbands) part" whereas in the above passage it is said "If a woman fears nushuz or i'radh on her husbands part." The addition of i'radh meaning turning away or becoming indifferent in case of a husband and its omission in the case of a wife is significant. This is a recognition that in love and sex relationship man's role is a more active one in the sense that he is the one who makes most of the first moves and therefore as a rule he alone can do i'radh: she can, as a rule, only refuse to respond (which if done willfully and too often would come under nushuz and would be dealt with as such).
Another difference between the two cases is that when the husband fears nushuz on the part of the wife he can, after due admonition and talking, separate the wife in bed and then lightly beat her while such measures are not suggested to the wife if she is the one who fears nushuz or i'drah from the husband. This is, of course, not because the Qur'an sees anything wrong in principle with the wife separating herself in bed from the ill-treating husband or even beating him. The reason rather is that the Qur'an recognizes the well-observed fact that as a rule women are physically weaker than men and therefore it would be difficult for her to implement such measures against the husband. Unlike the sentimental feminists, the Qur'an is wise enough and realistic enough to first admit that in general women are indeed physically weaker than men and then to realize that it would be totally unhelpful to ask a weaker partner to use forceful methods against a stronger one, especially if that stronger partner is already mistreating her.
But this does not mean that Islam leaves women at the mercy of their husbands. If despite being a Muslim a husband fails to respect the principles outlined in the Qur'an and instead of peacefully settling matters with the wife shows neither the inclination to treat her as a husband should treat a wife nor lets her go in a maruf (just and public) way, then it is the collective duty of the Muslim society to step in and, through a suitable legal system, enforce the law of God by imposing a settlement on the husband on terms judged equitable by an impartial court. It is regrettable that Muslim societies have not yet evolved such a suitable legal system to give women adequate protection against their stronger marriage partners should these stronger partners abandon love and tenderness and turn nasty.
Copyright Dr. Ahmad Shafaat. This article may be reproduced for da'wa purpose with proper courtesy and credit.
Identity of Married Women
Identity of Married Women
from The Concept of Family in Islam
by A. D. Ajilola
The matter of preserving a person's true identity seems somehow epitomized in the position of the married woman in Islam. For while she takes on a new marital identity and may be called wife of so and so, she still retains her old lineal one.
In Islam there is nothing stating that a married woman should bear her husband's name, like Mrs Ajilola, she can easily bear Miss Musson, her maiden name.
Also thre is nothing suggesting that a child should bear his father's name; as Mr Abdul-Kareem Ajilola; he can equally bear Mr Abdul-Kareem Musson or any of his maternal relative name.
A marriage is a contract, it is not a means of diffusion of identity of the parties, as it is practised in European countries.
In pre-Islamic Arabia and among the Semites in general, matrilineality was more or less observed either exclusively or together with patrilineality. This practice even continued into Islam in some instances. For example, al Hasan ibn Ali was often called the Prophet's daughter's son, a title of honour in this case.
However a closer examination of Arabic literature suggests to some scholars that when a pre-Islamic Arabian was named after his mother or called the son of the mother of so and so e.g. ibn Hind or ibn Ummzayd, ie, the son of his mother Hind or the son of Zayd's mother respectively, it was due to one or more of the following reasons:
a) It was an expression of honour for and appreciation of the mother.
b) It was a status symbol for some Arabs to take pride in the true or alleged noble stock of their mothers.
c) Sometimes the mother was more renowned than the father, and the children were thus believed ennobled by affixing their mothers' names to their own.
d) Sometimes, also, the mother resided with her own family for orientation after divorce or desertion by the childrens' father, in which case they were identified for all practical purposes by the mother's name.
e) In some cases the father was survived by his own mother or mother-in-law, who then undertook the upbringing of her grandchildren, and they were identified by her name in addition to their own given names.
So the present method of regarding husband and wife as one entity or to force a woman to be bearing her husband's name and identity has no support in Islam; although Islam is not against it. Islam is neutral in this matter.
from The Concept of Family in Islam
by A. D. Ajilola
The matter of preserving a person's true identity seems somehow epitomized in the position of the married woman in Islam. For while she takes on a new marital identity and may be called wife of so and so, she still retains her old lineal one.
In Islam there is nothing stating that a married woman should bear her husband's name, like Mrs Ajilola, she can easily bear Miss Musson, her maiden name.
Also thre is nothing suggesting that a child should bear his father's name; as Mr Abdul-Kareem Ajilola; he can equally bear Mr Abdul-Kareem Musson or any of his maternal relative name.
A marriage is a contract, it is not a means of diffusion of identity of the parties, as it is practised in European countries.
In pre-Islamic Arabia and among the Semites in general, matrilineality was more or less observed either exclusively or together with patrilineality. This practice even continued into Islam in some instances. For example, al Hasan ibn Ali was often called the Prophet's daughter's son, a title of honour in this case.
However a closer examination of Arabic literature suggests to some scholars that when a pre-Islamic Arabian was named after his mother or called the son of the mother of so and so e.g. ibn Hind or ibn Ummzayd, ie, the son of his mother Hind or the son of Zayd's mother respectively, it was due to one or more of the following reasons:
a) It was an expression of honour for and appreciation of the mother.
b) It was a status symbol for some Arabs to take pride in the true or alleged noble stock of their mothers.
c) Sometimes the mother was more renowned than the father, and the children were thus believed ennobled by affixing their mothers' names to their own.
d) Sometimes, also, the mother resided with her own family for orientation after divorce or desertion by the childrens' father, in which case they were identified for all practical purposes by the mother's name.
e) In some cases the father was survived by his own mother or mother-in-law, who then undertook the upbringing of her grandchildren, and they were identified by her name in addition to their own given names.
So the present method of regarding husband and wife as one entity or to force a woman to be bearing her husband's name and identity has no support in Islam; although Islam is not against it. Islam is neutral in this matter.
The Necessity of Marriage
The Necessity of Marriage
from Youth & Spouse Selection
by Ali Akbar Mazaheri
Allah created man in a manner that he is incomplete and imperfect without a spouse. Man may upgrade his knowledge, faith and excellencies, but he shall never reach the desired perfectness if he does not get a spouse. (Be it man or woman). Nothing can substitute marriage and the raising of a family. Male and female sexes need each other both from spiritual as well as physical points of view. And each of them is incomplete and imperfect when alone and in solitude. And when they get placed beside each other, they complete each other. This is the law of creation and it commands all the universe.
The Quran calls man and woman as the dress of each other.
"They (wives) are as a dress for you (husbands) and you are as a dress for them"
Surah Baqara v187
That is to say, they are the completive, counterpart, and the guard of each other's honour and secrets, and each one needs the other. Man can not live honourably and eminently in society without dress. He feels himself in a state of imperfectness. The lonely person too feels himself imperfect.
Dress saves and protects a person from the effects of winter and summer. The spouse too saves one from worries, futility, shelterlessness, aimlessness and solitude similarly. Dress decorates man, spouses too are the decoration of each other.
from Youth & Spouse Selection
by Ali Akbar Mazaheri
Allah created man in a manner that he is incomplete and imperfect without a spouse. Man may upgrade his knowledge, faith and excellencies, but he shall never reach the desired perfectness if he does not get a spouse. (Be it man or woman). Nothing can substitute marriage and the raising of a family. Male and female sexes need each other both from spiritual as well as physical points of view. And each of them is incomplete and imperfect when alone and in solitude. And when they get placed beside each other, they complete each other. This is the law of creation and it commands all the universe.
The Quran calls man and woman as the dress of each other.
"They (wives) are as a dress for you (husbands) and you are as a dress for them"
Surah Baqara v187
That is to say, they are the completive, counterpart, and the guard of each other's honour and secrets, and each one needs the other. Man can not live honourably and eminently in society without dress. He feels himself in a state of imperfectness. The lonely person too feels himself imperfect.
Dress saves and protects a person from the effects of winter and summer. The spouse too saves one from worries, futility, shelterlessness, aimlessness and solitude similarly. Dress decorates man, spouses too are the decoration of each other.
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Islamic Perspective on "Honor Killings"
Islamic Perspective on "Honor Killings"
by Muslim Women's League
April 1999
Due to recent media attention, the problem of “honor killings” has come under increasing global scrutiny. In various countries throughout the world, particularly in the Middle East and parts of South Asia, women who bring dishonor to their families because of sexual indiscretions are forced to pay a terrible price at the hands of male family members. Attempted murder and other forms of corporal punishment have been reported. The most severe manifestations of punishment affect only a small percentage of women, even though the notion of family honor and shame is extremely important in most communities of the Muslim world. Women from other faith groups may also be subject to similar attitudes from within their own communities in those countries. Clearly, the prevailing view that devalues and belittles women is derived from sociocultural factors that are justified by a distorted and erroneous interpretation of religion, especially of Islam.
Islam recognizes and celebrates the inherent dignity bestowed by God upon all human beings regardless of race, ethnicity, gender or religion. The Qur’an is explicit in its emphasis on the equality of women and men before God:
And their Lord has accepted of them and answered them, “Never will I suffer to be lost the work of any of you, whether male or female, you are members, one of another…” (3:195; see also 33:35)
Individual accountability before God is stressed throughout the Qur’an, beginning with the story of Adam and Eve: as a result of their transgression (committed together and simultaneously) they were banished from Paradise and made to toil on Earth. God chose to forgive them both and so their sin is not inherited by subsequent generations. Similarly, as exemplified in the following verse:
Whoever chooses to follow the right path, follows it but for his own good; and whoever goes astray, goes but astray to his own hurt; and no bearer of burdens shall be made to bear another’s burden (17:15)
It is clear that one individual, no matter how guilty, cannot transfer that guilt to another. So for a woman who does engage in illicit sexual activity (zina), she and she alone bears the consequences as determined by God.
The problem of “honor killings” is not a problem of morality or of ensuring that women maintain their own personal virtue; rather, it is a problem of domination, power and hatred of women who, in these instances, are viewed as nothing more than servants to the family, both physically and symbolically.
Islam is clear on its prohibition of sexual relationships outside of marriage. This prohibition does not distinguish between men and women, even though, in some countries, women are uniformly singled out for punishment of sexual crimes while the men, even rapists, may be treated with impunity. In order for a case to even be brought before a Muslim court, several strict criteria must be met. The most important is that any accusation of illicit sexual behavior must have been seen by four witnesses; and they must have been witness to the act of sexual intercourse itself. Other forms of intimacy do not constitute zina and therefore are not subject to any legal consequences even though they are not appropriate and are considered sinful.
On the other hand, a woman falsely accused of zina has in her support the Qur’an, which spells out harsh consequences for those accusers who are unable to support their allegations with four witnesses. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was known for his clemency, even if the accusations met the criteria, for he recognized the seriousness of the matter. In addition, there is no evidence whatsoever that he condoned any form of retribution that singled out women and he was swift to ensure that those accused of any crime received due process to guarantee justice.
Unfortunately, the legal safeguards to protect women and men from indiscriminate and unlawful enforcement of presumed Islamic injunctions have been forgotten. Indeed, the legal system and law enforcement agencies including police officers and prison guards, have been implicated in the perpetuation of the problem by their willful lenience towards men who have carried out an assault in the name of “honor” and by their abuse and denigration of women who stand accused.
Muslims today must unequivocally reject this distortion of Islam that is used to violate the most basic Islamic rights of human decency, integrity and justice. Unwillingness on the part of the Muslim community to address these issues in a forthright and unapologetic manner is borne out of an inherent distrust of perceived “Western” attempts to taint the image of Islam in the interest of global politics. This is no excuse for us to turn a blind eye to injustices committed against Muslims and others, especially when the perpetrators are members of the same faith.
Confronting the problem of “honor killings” and other crimes that disproportionately affect women requires a change in attitude that pervades all levels of society where such attacks occur. Muslim leaders can provide an important example to their followers by taking an unequivocal stand against behavior that is in direct violation of Islam. In addition, legal reform must occur with the intention to protect the victims and punish the perpetrators, all totally possible within a legitimate Islamic legal framework. Concomitant attention must be paid to meeting basic human needs and solving problems stemming from poverty and illiteracy that are often at the root of disturbing social trends that seek out the most disenfranchised to serve as scapegoats.
O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: For God can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily God is well-acquainted with all that you do. (4:135)
by Muslim Women's League
April 1999
Due to recent media attention, the problem of “honor killings” has come under increasing global scrutiny. In various countries throughout the world, particularly in the Middle East and parts of South Asia, women who bring dishonor to their families because of sexual indiscretions are forced to pay a terrible price at the hands of male family members. Attempted murder and other forms of corporal punishment have been reported. The most severe manifestations of punishment affect only a small percentage of women, even though the notion of family honor and shame is extremely important in most communities of the Muslim world. Women from other faith groups may also be subject to similar attitudes from within their own communities in those countries. Clearly, the prevailing view that devalues and belittles women is derived from sociocultural factors that are justified by a distorted and erroneous interpretation of religion, especially of Islam.
Islam recognizes and celebrates the inherent dignity bestowed by God upon all human beings regardless of race, ethnicity, gender or religion. The Qur’an is explicit in its emphasis on the equality of women and men before God:
And their Lord has accepted of them and answered them, “Never will I suffer to be lost the work of any of you, whether male or female, you are members, one of another…” (3:195; see also 33:35)
Individual accountability before God is stressed throughout the Qur’an, beginning with the story of Adam and Eve: as a result of their transgression (committed together and simultaneously) they were banished from Paradise and made to toil on Earth. God chose to forgive them both and so their sin is not inherited by subsequent generations. Similarly, as exemplified in the following verse:
Whoever chooses to follow the right path, follows it but for his own good; and whoever goes astray, goes but astray to his own hurt; and no bearer of burdens shall be made to bear another’s burden (17:15)
It is clear that one individual, no matter how guilty, cannot transfer that guilt to another. So for a woman who does engage in illicit sexual activity (zina), she and she alone bears the consequences as determined by God.
The problem of “honor killings” is not a problem of morality or of ensuring that women maintain their own personal virtue; rather, it is a problem of domination, power and hatred of women who, in these instances, are viewed as nothing more than servants to the family, both physically and symbolically.
Islam is clear on its prohibition of sexual relationships outside of marriage. This prohibition does not distinguish between men and women, even though, in some countries, women are uniformly singled out for punishment of sexual crimes while the men, even rapists, may be treated with impunity. In order for a case to even be brought before a Muslim court, several strict criteria must be met. The most important is that any accusation of illicit sexual behavior must have been seen by four witnesses; and they must have been witness to the act of sexual intercourse itself. Other forms of intimacy do not constitute zina and therefore are not subject to any legal consequences even though they are not appropriate and are considered sinful.
On the other hand, a woman falsely accused of zina has in her support the Qur’an, which spells out harsh consequences for those accusers who are unable to support their allegations with four witnesses. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was known for his clemency, even if the accusations met the criteria, for he recognized the seriousness of the matter. In addition, there is no evidence whatsoever that he condoned any form of retribution that singled out women and he was swift to ensure that those accused of any crime received due process to guarantee justice.
Unfortunately, the legal safeguards to protect women and men from indiscriminate and unlawful enforcement of presumed Islamic injunctions have been forgotten. Indeed, the legal system and law enforcement agencies including police officers and prison guards, have been implicated in the perpetuation of the problem by their willful lenience towards men who have carried out an assault in the name of “honor” and by their abuse and denigration of women who stand accused.
Muslims today must unequivocally reject this distortion of Islam that is used to violate the most basic Islamic rights of human decency, integrity and justice. Unwillingness on the part of the Muslim community to address these issues in a forthright and unapologetic manner is borne out of an inherent distrust of perceived “Western” attempts to taint the image of Islam in the interest of global politics. This is no excuse for us to turn a blind eye to injustices committed against Muslims and others, especially when the perpetrators are members of the same faith.
Confronting the problem of “honor killings” and other crimes that disproportionately affect women requires a change in attitude that pervades all levels of society where such attacks occur. Muslim leaders can provide an important example to their followers by taking an unequivocal stand against behavior that is in direct violation of Islam. In addition, legal reform must occur with the intention to protect the victims and punish the perpetrators, all totally possible within a legitimate Islamic legal framework. Concomitant attention must be paid to meeting basic human needs and solving problems stemming from poverty and illiteracy that are often at the root of disturbing social trends that seek out the most disenfranchised to serve as scapegoats.
O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: For God can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily God is well-acquainted with all that you do. (4:135)
Monday, 21 February 2011
The First Two Years:
The First Two Years:
A Marriage Survival Guide
More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).
The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.
Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.
1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
whether or not the wife will work outside the home
will the couple wait to have children
which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
will they live with his parents or have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.
2. Who's in charge?
One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.
3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.
It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.
They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.
4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of North America, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.
It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.
On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.
As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.
6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.
6. Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can establish may include:
praying at least one prayer together
attending a study circle together once a week
deciding on a weekly menu
having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
making a phone contacting during the day
deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents
By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.
7. Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in North America may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if not earlier.
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.
8. Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.
But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could be:
working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately
developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses
Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.
9. Not keeping secrets
A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.
Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.
10. Finances
How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.
To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.
A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.
Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.
11. Give each other space
A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.
A Marriage Survival Guide
More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).
The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.
Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.
1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
whether or not the wife will work outside the home
will the couple wait to have children
which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
will they live with his parents or have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.
2. Who's in charge?
One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.
3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.
It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.
They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.
4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of North America, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.
It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.
On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.
As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.
6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.
6. Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can establish may include:
praying at least one prayer together
attending a study circle together once a week
deciding on a weekly menu
having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
making a phone contacting during the day
deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents
By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.
7. Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in North America may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if not earlier.
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.
8. Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.
But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could be:
working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately
developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses
Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.
9. Not keeping secrets
A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.
Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.
10. Finances
How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.
To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.
A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.
Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.
11. Give each other space
A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.
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